Pirates (2005)

Yes, I am actually reviewing Pirates. A new low for Lines In Wax - our first ever porno review! Haha! In my recent sleaze-engulfed foray into horror and sexploitation film history, I thought it fitting that I should check out a full length feature pornographic movie. I thought that the line between sleazy exploitation and actual pornography, especially because of some of the more intensely risque exploitation stuff, would be fairly blurry, but it is not. It also quite jarring how the story escalates into full blown porn scenes, often with absolutely no tact. I wasn't expecting Hamlet, but still. 

Honestly though, this is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, which was surprising. Sex wise (let's just get this part out of the way) the scenes are super sterile, incredibly unerotic porn shoots that cater to the lowest common denominator. Some of the girl-girl scenes invoke a little more passion, but still fall into the category of "Porn for people who read Nuts magazine". But, the story in between all of the soulless fucking is actually pretty hilarious. Evan Stone as Captain Edward Reynolds is brilliant - invoking the onscreen lovechild of Jack Sparrow and Zap Brannigan - as is his sidekick Jules Steel, played by Jesse Jane. These are the most entertaining couple in the fairly large cast, with the villains being rather boring and wooden (pun intended). 

At one point, a legion of CGI fucking skeletons rises from the ground and engages our heroes in combat, which was an unexpected touch. It was nice to see that some of the supposed $1,000,000 budget actually got spent on special effects, rather than just on industrial quantities of tanning lotion, cialis and anal bleach. 

Would I recommend you actually watch this, though? Nah, probably not.

Anal Whore / Tumour / Urine Festival - Split CD

In another post recently (this one) I suggested off the cuff that somebody should make some mega fucking compilation of the sickest goregrind and porngrind projects related to Last Days Of Humanity. When I stumbled across this sick little fuck at the Rotten Roll stall in OEF I thought for a second that some celestial being might share some love for the sick shit! Granted, Anal Whore isn't related to LDOH (as far as I know, at least), but both Tumour and Urine Festival share links with them. Anyway, enough pointless waffling, on with the show!

 

 

This split CD really is something else. I implore you all to buy it, and bask lovingly in it's glow. This activity I recommend sharing with a loved one; a girlfriend, a grandmother, or a disabled child perhaps. You can leaf through all the free porn in the booklet and tray card as you are both bathed in some of the most disgusting noises ever put to tape. Anal Whore is a fantastic goregrind project; one of the first I heard and one of my favourites. Out of the three projects here, Anal Whore is the most "musically inclined", with a whole universe of shit hot riffs chugging away under the watery sludge and 9,000bpm drum machine. Throw in some worrying samples about enemas, and you've got a recipe for the perfect bedroom goregrind.

 

 

The Tumour stuff is more of the same, but I must say the sound is excellent here. Rogore's bass sounds funkier than ever, pushing the songs on through their B-movie drenched journeys. Urine Festival round off the, err, festival, with some of the most insane watery gore/porn grind in existence, It took me a while to like Urine Festival, I will be honest, but now I'm up all over that shit like maggots on a corpse I simply cannot accept any substitute. Fair dues to the 3 guys involved in making Urine Festival; this is some off the wall shit. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Ha ha. Sickness to the absolute fucking core.

Speaking of sickness....

Actually, I retract my previous statement. I wouldn't recommend this CD to anyone. It is a festering pile of disgusting filth with cover art to rank amongst the sickest ever. What the fuck is that shit anyway? Is it a tiny penis split down the middle; opened grotesquely for intense urethra play? Or is it some gammy red-raw stretched-out cunt lips; the clit gripped and squished to eye-watering proportions? Y'know, I don't think I ever want to find out (Oct 2013 edit: after much morbid staring at the cover I have devised that it is the latter). I'll just keep convincing myself that it's not real. Fuck you, Divine Noise Entertainment, for this gorrendous release.

Some sicko uploaded the Anal Whore part of this split to Youtube, so check it out (I love how it says "probably not safe for Youtube" on the video art - probably not safe for Youtube? Ha!).