Cradle Of Filth - Total Fucking Darkness

When I first heard of this reissue I was all like – Fuuuuuuuu-u-u-u-u-uck that shit. The price being charged for a copy of this remastered old demo was nothing short of total fucking extortion (kek). I think the fact that it took the almighty unit-shifting Cradle of Filth a month or two to sell the 666 vinyl copies of this album shows that I was not alone in this way of thinking. If a band as big and successful (in the metal world) as Cradle can’t shift around six hundred limited edition records, then something is wrong. Cradle fans aren't Sunn O))) fans with wallets bursting with cash for limited vinyl from the salaries of ICT or marketing jobs. Cradle fans are (generally) teenagers, who have little to no money. So yep; a farcical cash in on a piece of shit recording the band did when they were kids.

Or is it? Despite being put off by the grubby money grabbing tactics surrounding this release, it sounds absolutely fantastic! If you've ever been tempted to foray in the world of Cradle’s early tape demos you will surely sympathise with me when I say it’s a complete waste of time. You get a brief outline of the death-metal-with-keyboards outfit the band was in its inception, but serious listening is rendered nigh on impossible by the abysmal production / tape duplication quality. So the clarity presented finally to these cobweb-encrusted gothic nightmares is extremely welcome. I’m just not willing to take out a second mortgage to permanently own them. 

The Kovenant - Animatronic

It might have cybergoth written all over it, but this album is the fucking shit. Imagine if Dimmu Borgir decided to start making music like KMFDM or something. Animatronic is a bright, sparkly journey through what should by rights be a dark and mysterious world. The songs are keyboard or female-vocal led, beefed out with chuggy riffage and a combination of programmed beats and heavy drumming. Eagled-eared listeners (is that a thing? It is now!) will recognise the opening track, "Mirror's Paradise", from Bam Magera's infamous CKY videos. 

The magic in this album though, has gotta be the production job. If this thing was mixed in any other way, it would probably fail catastrophically. The keyboards and electronic sounds really are the driving force here, and if they got buried under the metal and the screechy vocals, the whole thing would fall on it's arse, like when Martin Foul left Cradle Of Filth; it took you a few tracks to realize that something was missing, and when you finally figured it out, everything sounded empty and boring.

I genuinely believe that there isn't a bad song on this album. I can't exactly do repeat listens, because the whole goth thing grates on me after a bit, but every now and then I come back to this album and love every second of it, before compartmentalising it again for another random period of time. My favourite tracks are the well-known opener, "Mirror's Paradise", the brooding "Mannequin", the pacy "Human Abstract" (which a really crummy band is named after) and the highlarious cover of Babylon Zoo's "Spaceman". 

Dust off the cyberlocks and glowsticks, it's time to dance and then take too much heroin and vomit on your Ministry t-shirt. Yay goths! 

Linesinwax trivia - the guy on the right on the album cover is none other than Mayhem's Hellhammer, who quite suprisingly, provided the real drumming on this album. He's also wearing a suspicious amount of eye-liner, for someone who seems to have such a problem with homosexuals (haven't you seen the part of Until The Light Takes Us where he seems to find Faust stabbing a gay man to death amusing?). 

Type O Negative - Bloody Kisses

Now here's something I have listened the absolute fucking death out of during the last few months. I've always been a casual Type O Negative fan but I've always put off buying their albums, because I'm lazy as fuck like that. Anyways, I stumbled upon a free copy of this when I worked clearing out unwanted crap from charity shops, and for the next couple of hours in the van I became baptised in the awesome world of Type O Negative. Man, why didn't anyone tell me about this shit before? Mix equal parts doom metal and hardcore punk with hammy keyboards, then dress the whole thing up to take the piss out of a subculture that takes itself far too seriously, and bam - you've got the perfect recipe! 

The opening tracks (20 minutes on their own) "Christian Woman" and "Black No. 1" are stone-cold goth metal classics. Taking the piss or no, Pete Steele & Chums churned out more promise and epicness in two fucking tracks than in the entire discographies of Sisters Of Mercy and HIM combined. "Kill All The White People" marries hardcore punk and Sabbath-worship riffage in a puzzling yet amazing duality. "Summer Breeze" sounds as the title promises, and "We Hate Everyone" pulverises the listener with more hardcore punk-influenced terror before the sheer epic of "Bloody Kisses" kicks in. Nearly 11 minutes long, the title track is a mammoth depressing beast. Shit sends fucking shivers up my spine, yo - especially during the piano solo (hahaha). Joking or otherwise, it's a seriously heavy track and boasts a fucking wicked chorus. "Too Late: Frozen" is another favourite of mine, starting off fast as fuck and slowing down to a doomy pace for the remainder.

I'd absolutely love to see these play live, but I'll never get that chance as Pete Steele sadly died before I developed any real respect for the band. I consider this album to be an absolute staple in my list of legendary metal records. I have only shame and regret for not discovering this total gem of a band any sooner. They have fecking stacks of good songs, but none of the albums live up to the sheer back-to-back quality of tracks on Bloody Kisses, which might just be the definitive goth-related record for me. 

Crank this up and crack out the black nail polish.